I want to introduce you to one of our amazing Momsanity Sisters, Taryn. She is a mom who has endured a lot of painful losses yet uses her suffering to share how good God is! Be forever changed after reading her story.
He Knows Me
Almost 10 years ago I said, “I do” to my best friend. Five years of long distance dating and I thought, “Finally, we’ve made it to the finish line”. I can’t help but chuckle now when I think about it. I didn’t know the obstacles that awaited us.
Four years later and we were stunned with a positive pregnancy test. We were overjoyed but eager, like most, to get through the first trimester, after a miscarriage in college that I attributed to the exceedingly healthy lifestyle I was living as a junior in college (note my sarcasm). My pregnancy was without incident and we welcomed a healthy baby boy nine months later.
We had been attending a wonderful church but we were not invested, not “all in”. My husband and I both felt a sense of urgency to up our religion game for our son.
While I attended a few years of private school, I can’t say that I grew up in a Christian home. My husband, Mike, was raised attending church and participating in church activities, but he didn’t have much of a personal relationship with God. We knew we wanted to do things differently. We became members of our church, attended more regularly and dedicated our son. We were checking all the boxes.
The summer of 2015 approached and Mike and I decided it was time to grow our family. I got pregnant right away and everything was going to plan… until it wasn’t. We were devastated. Only a few even knew that we were pregnant and we wanted to keep it that way. Uttering the words about losing our baby was just too painful. So, we told no one and I isolated myself in my grief.
I haven’t always appreciated it, and at times I down right dislike how well God knows me. He knows me in a way that is vulnerable, stripped down with no way to hide. Not long after our miscarriage a friend invited us to join their small group, something I would never have sought out on my own. There was childcare, it was at a convenient time and filled with many people I already knew. “Ok God, I got it, I’m going”. Then, we started the study on 2 Corinthians. We dove in and read Paul’s words about suffering. It was emotional and necessary for me.
The study progressed and we were pregnant again. Typically I would hunker down in my emotional cave and wait until it was safe, but God was telling me to do something different, to do something I REALLY didn’t want to do. He wanted me to tell our small group about the pregnancy and ask for prayer. I obeyed, I did what He asked and was sure that in doing so all would be well, but it wasn’t. When we lost yet another baby I was confused. “I did what you wanted God, and this still happened”, I didn’t understand. Thankfully, our God is a teacher and is patient with us. He showed me what I truly needed learn. Community is necessary and He has provided me with a community that will love me and support me. In this loss I wasn’t isolated but comforted by those that covered me with God’s love.
We soon were expecting again and welcomed another wild boy into our home. Not long after Liam was born I felt as though our family was not finished. Mike did not have a similar feeling so I prayed everyday for God to change one of our hearts. He didn’t want the pain again; he didn’t want to watch, as he stood helpless again. We didn’t speak about it again until Mike came to me and said his heart had changed.
So, for the 6th time I was filled with hope. Hope, anxiety and fear. Then it happened, those all too familiar signs of trouble. After a middle of the night ER visit and doctors appointments we had a sliver of hope still. I even allowed myself to think, “I can’t wait to tell you one day how we thought we lost you little one”. But that conversation will not be in this lifetime. So for the 7th time I stood before my husband happy but afraid. Afraid to tell him that we once again need to make it through a first trimester. He will worry about me when I leave the room for too long or hold my side or even breathe deeply. He will pray for us and provide me with love and support that my 18 year old self who started dating the boy next door did not know was possible.
Here we are 23 weeks along and this pregnancy has not been like any other. There have been unexpected concerns and ultrasounds as well as soft markers for Down Syndrome, but God is working. “You are not in control”, He is telling me, not even a little. It has not always been easy, but I have learned to listen and I have learned that He is shaping me and teaching me. It’s not always pleasant, but it is worth it.